7 posts tagged “marriage”
I thought this was really well written. Please feel free to pass on to anyone you know who is getting married or considering getting married.
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Making Marriage Last: A Guide to Preventing Divorce © 1997-2000 American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) Here's Some Good News: If you’re courageous enough to pick up this booklet, you’ve taken the first step toward making your marriage work. That you are willing to learn what is needed to make a successful marriage means that you believe in marriage as a lifelong commitment. It may strike you as odd that a group of people who make a living off of failed marriages would write a booklet about divorce avoidance. After all, if every couple stayed together until death did they part, none of us would have jobs. Unfortunately, we all know that not every marriage makes it through thick and thin and that we, as matrimonial lawyers, will always have work. We will continue to see thousands of men and women walk through our doors wanting out of a marriage. We’ll still hear every sad story. We’ll still see couples who split up because times are bad and divorce seems like the next step. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, a non-profit association of attorneys who are experts in family law, was established in 1962. During the last few decades, our 1,500 members have learned a lot about marriage and the pitfalls of divorce. The information provided in this booklet evolved from a comprehensive survey of our members on what they see as the most common factors leading to divorce. Our members know that divorce isn’t always the answer. Though some marriages should be abandoned – for reasons such as physical or sexual abuse or other intolerable situations – many “unsalvageable” unions can be saved. If you are willing to devote some time and energy to identifying and correcting the problems in your marriage, chances are, you can avoid the financially and emotionally draining process of divorce. Please treat this booklet as merely an introduction to the process of working on your marriage. In addition to the tips and information contained here, your library or local bookstore contains a wealth of information, as does the Internet. We have included a sampling of books on marriage, as well as a list of support groups and organizations aimed at helping marriages. Couples should also not be afraid to seek professional help from a trained marriage and family therapist. Churches and synagogues are also good resources for family support. It takes time and energy to strengthen a weakened marriage. But it can be done. And we hope this booklet helps. In fact, we hope we never see you again! Why Marriages Fail Not all marriages fail for the same reason. Nor is there usually one reason for the breakdown of a particular marriage. Nevertheless, we hear some reasons more often than others. They are:
There are other causes we see a lot, but not quite as often as those listed above They Are:
Communication Poor communication is often the catalyst for all other marital problems. Unfortunately, the simple act _of saying “I do” doesn’t turn a spouse into a mind reader. _So couples must share their thoughts and feelings or they risk losing touch with what is important in their marriage. Direct communication is always best. As the old saying goes: Mean what you say, say what you mean. If you want or need something, tell your spouse. If your spouse is doing something that bothers you, tell him or her why it bothers you and what you would like your spouse to do about it. As with all communication, however, the secret is in the delivery. Never be accusatory or disrespectful. If your spouse reacts badly to something you’ve said, it’s possible that he or she did not understand what you meant. Before you overreact, take time to find out what your spouse thinks you meant, and, if necessary, explain what it is you were trying to say. Arguments are a legitimate way to communicate, but the arguments must be based on a person’s actions or words, not what one side imagines is motivating the other side. Arguments are also okay when they are fair, honest disputes about family policy or priorities. Personal attacks against your spouse are disrespectful and they get in the way of real discussion about important matters. Some communication problems may be the result of the different ways men and women tend to communicate. Each sex often expects a particular response when they say something, and some are surprised or offended when they get something else. Women often want their feelings acknowledged, while men want to fix things, to solve problems. For example, a wife who complains about her terrible day at work probably wants empathy, not a discussion about what she should have done to avoid it. Alternatively, a husband who asks his wife where she wants to go for dinner probably wants an answer, not a vague response that “anything is fine.” It is dangerous to react to your spouse with anger. Anger impairs judgment and impedes communication. When people get angry, they may be speechless, or they may cry, yell, stomp out of the room, run away, or throw things. Some may even beat their spouse or children. None of this conduct helps a marriage thrive. It does not resolve disputes; it simply intimidates the other person. Communication Do’s and Don’ts Focus on solving the problem instead of winning the argument; Listen with an open mind to make sure you understand what your spouse means instead of launching into an unnecessary argument; Explain yourself if you feel you have been misunderstood; Respect each other’s opinion, even if you can’t find an immediate solution to the problem; Spend time discussing problems and issues you each think are important; Be quick to forgive, quick to forget; Be sincere. Your words may say one thing, but your body language may convey something completely different; Don’t talk in code. Say what you mean, and say it respectfully; Don’t go to sleep before resolving a conflict; Don’t talk to your spouse in a rude, disparaging way; Don’t criticize your spouse in front of others; Don’t let anger cloud your judgment about the proper way to speak to and treat your spouse; Don’t start arguments based on things that happened long ago; Don’t assume that your spouse is personally attacking you just because he or she disagrees with you. Financial Problems No matter how rich or how poor a couple is, one of the constant subjects of marital disagreement is money. Whether it’s over how money is earned, spent or saved, money fights are common because money is a part of daily life, from paying the electric bill to saving for retirement. Attitudes toward money are learned in childhood. When spouses are raised with widely differing attitudes toward money, conflict is inevitable. The key is for couples to discuss their views on money and to decide among themselves how they will make decisions about how the family money will be controlled. It is probably not a good idea to have one spouse in complete control of all family assets. That’s not to say that a spouse with a particular skill in managing money should not use that skill, but that spouse should always discuss with the other spouse what he or she is doing. There are several ways you may decide to divvy up the responsibility. Some couples keep their earnings separate but agree in advance who will pay what bills. Some couples put every penny of their financial lives into a joint account. Financial togetherness can be as intense or as separate as the parties wish. As long as the goals and attitudes toward money are shared, the mechanics of fiscal management are less important. Managing The Marital Money Here are some ways to prevent money-management disputes from destroying a marriage:
Lack of Commitment Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, a pledge to do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship together. If couples look at matrimony as a job they can quit or an apartment they can break the lease on, their marriage is headed for trouble. Spouses have to agree that keeping the marriage healthy is their top priority. To do that, they have to commit time and energy to it. Both spouses should be as concerned with the welfare of each other as they are with themselves. Devoting time to one’s marriage can require some tough decisions, such as turning down challenging work assignments that would take away from “couple time,” spending less time with friends, leaving the office even when duty calls, etc. But it can also be as simple as having a weekly “date night.” Though unexpected events, such as death of a family member or loss of a job, happen to everyone, these events should not be used as an excuse to ignore one’s commitment to their marriage. Committed couples who deal with unexpected problems together actually strengthen their marital bonds. Do you lack commitment to your marriage? Are you a “workaholic”? Do you spend so much time at work (or at your volunteer job) that you miss important family functions? Do you rationalize the excessive time you spend at work by saying it’s “for the family”? Have you physically or emotionally abused your spouse? Are you so hung up on having control over everything that you lash out to keep your spouse in line? Do you spend hours and hours meeting strangers on the Internet? Do you complain about your spouse in anonymous chat rooms? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may lack the necessary commitment to keep your marriage afloat. These aren’t the only situations, but they are ones we see a lot. Workaholics use work as an excuse to avoid conversation and intimacy with their spouse. Abusers use threats and violence to make sure they always get what they want. Internet junkies shut their spouses out by talking to strangers about marital problems. If you notice yourself in these scenarios, it’s time to recommit yourself to your marriage. Changes in Priorities The most common change in priorities comes during a “mid-life crisis." Fearing the transition into older age or more responsibility (such as having children), many people push aside all that they have valued in exchange for something new, exciting or completely opposite. But there are other reasons for changed priorities: children going to college, which can often prompt stay-at-home moms to re-evaluate their lives in their children’s absence; a deteriorating sex life; major health problem; the completion of a longtime goal; or death of a parent or child. Any of these things can make a person feel the need to break away from their “routine” as a way to get back what they feel they have lost. Once again, the key is communication. Couples need to discuss their priorities and their expectations, and what they hope to achieve in the future. And they should do this not just on their honeymoon, but throughout their marriage. Even if they don’t always agree on the specifics of the new priorities, an open line of communication will facilitate a resolution as well as prevent unpleasant surprises. Infidelity The sad fact is that that some people will risk their entire marriage for the sake of an extramarital affair. But infidelity is rarely the only reason a couple breaks up. Usually, a couple has a host of other problems and infidelity is simply “the last straw.” The expectations and priorities of a spouse who commits the adultery may have shifted, as discussed above. A cheating spouse may find comfort in the arms of someone else when the other spouse has stopped communicating. Neither scenario is an excuse, but spouses who have extramarital affairs pick an inappropriate way to fulfill a need that’s not being met at home. The spouse who is betrayed may feel humiliated. Children sense these feelings and may worry that the unfaithful parent will someday betray or abandon them in the same way. In addition to the emotional toll on the family, extramarital affairs also present health risks, such as AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases that can cause infertility or death to an unsuspecting spouse. Not all couples split up after infidelity. Some may be able, after a great deal of time and effort, to repair the broken bonds. If staying together is an option, a marriage counselor will be of enormous help in making the transition. The Journey to Happiness It has been said that most of life’s happiness, and most of its misery, emanate from one’s marriage. Spouses in a happy marriage are more productive on the job, are physically healthier and experience less emotional stress than their unhappily married counterparts. They also raise happier, healthier, more confident children who themselves go on to have happy marriages. With so much riding on it, it makes sense for couples to make their marriage their number one priority. We hope that the information provided here helps couples begin the journey to their own happiness. Improving Your Marriage Treat your spouse like your best friend or most important colleague. Don’t expect to get more from your spouse than you give of yourself. Don’t lose your sense of humor;have fun with your spouse. Don’t demean your spouse in public or in private. Learn to listen, learn to hear. Learn to argue respectfully. Look for resolution rather than victory. Assess your own mistakes and acknowledge them. When you apologize, mean it, and sound like it. Be short on blame and long on forgiveness. Be willing to change your opinions and attitudes. Look at changes in your life as an opportunity to grow. Don’t try to change your spouse; accept your spouse “as is.” |
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Questions or comments to Stephen J. Harhai, Editor |
WTF? Ok, who gets married in public restroom? I want...no...I need to see a picture of this. This cannot be for real.
Bride in toilet paper dress to tie the knot in Times Square restroom
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
NEW YORK - Here comes the bride, all dressed in white.
Two-ply, extra-soft toilet paper, actually. Lovebirds Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols of Lexington, Ky., are getting hitched today in a public restroom in Manhattan.
She'll be wearing a gown fashioned from glue, tape and Charmin Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong toilet tissue.
The intricately detailed dress was designed by Hanah Kim, winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest, sponsored by Cheap-Chic-Weddings.com.
A company spokeswoman say the wedding ceremony, to be attended by family and friends, will take place in Times Square at the Charmin Restrooms.
© The Canadian Press, 2007
Story from TELUS NEWS:
http://www.mytelus.com/ncp_news/article.en.do?pn=oddities&articleID=2840732
edit:
Actually a picture of the dress can be found here. Its not bad. I certainly hope it doesn't rain or get any champagne spilled on it! :) But get married in a restroom? rrrrrrright......
Pick stores that have massage chairs.
Never again will you hear phrases like:
Why are we here?
Are you done looking at that yet?
Just pick one already.
Why do we need that?
Can we go yet?
I thought you just wanted one thing and you got it, so let's go.
You don't need to be looking at that.
Remind me again why we are here.
Gone will be the heavy sighing.
Roaming and browsing will be encouraged.
Time will not be an issue.
Part 1: Some things I have learned so far....
Part 2: Marriage
Your thoughts about marriage on your first day of marriage vs on your 10th anniversary…are VERY different! I am sure the view will be different after 20 and 30 years, too!
Nothing prepares you for marriage.
The only way to learn about marriage is to be married.
In marriage, 2 halves do not make a whole…..only 2 whole people can make a whole relationship.
Be wary about listening to and/or taking advice from single-never-been-married people with respect to marriage relationships…….nothing against them but they just have no experience and are in for a world of surprise! As with most things, the best people to watch and learn from are people who have the fruit on the tree…and in this case those who are married, happily, for longer than you!
Be careful about what marriage advice you take from divorced-and-single people. They may be good people and well meaning and have some good warnings and/or tips….but their experience is not in how to have a great long term relationship. Its no offense to them...but don’t let their bitterness, if they are bitter, poison your well.
Marriage is a 50-50 enterprise but its not divided 50-50 at every given moment.
Spite has no place in a long term relationship.
A long term relationship is an evolution of 2 people and how they relate to each other.
Nothing hurts a relationship more than ambivalence.
Do not compare your spouse to someone else’s spouse. Chances are strong that you are comparing your spouse’s worst to the best that you see in the other person.
Do not compare your relationship to someone else’s relationship. The grass always seems greener on one side of the fence….sometimes its your side, sometimes its their side.
Don’t judge someone else’s relationship just because you don’t understand. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They may seem like an unlikely duo, but you just never know what makes it tick for them.
Only you can make yourself happy. This isn’t your spouse’s job.
Withholding love and affection from your spouse because you aren’t getting what you want or to show them up…..never works…for anybody. It’s a true lose-lose situation.
Regardless of how you feel, disrespecting and/or putting down your spouse in front of other people is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I must trust my spouse around other people...even if they are attracted to him, it should not matter as its his trustworthiness that is most important....not theirs. I should not be surprised others find him attractive. As he has never given me anything to worry about or distrust him, I should not worry or be threatened. Its affirming and respectful to him to know that I trust him.
Jealousy is a sign of a low self image mixed with fear.
I should always treat my spouse as number 1 to anyone else here on earth.
Not everything has to do with me.
Thanking and giving gratitude to my spouse, on a daily basis, for even the smallest of things, is very important.
I cannot fix/change my spouse nor am I responsible for fixing/changing my spouse.
The only person I have the power to change is myself.
I am not my spouse’s mother….nor do I want to be….so I shouldn’t act like I am. Its hard to be his mother and lover at the same time.
My spouse needs MY moral support more than anyone else’s.
Marriage and a long term relationship is hard work.
When I first got married, I thought I knew a lot about marriage but I really knew very little. After being married over 10 years, I feel like I have so much to learn but I really know so much.
Most people put more planning into their wedding day than into their marriage. Marriage is not a destination, it’s a journey. Forgetting that is like blowing all your time and money on the farewell party and then overlooking packing for the trip. Everyone dreams of their wedding day....but shouldn't you also dream of your 50th anniversary, too?
Love means saying you are sorry.
If you are feeling that you are not getting what you need from your spouse…..ask yourself if you are giving them what they need. They may be feeling the same way….in reverse.
If you aren’t being the bigger person…..then you are automatically being the smaller person.
Not all battles are worth fighting. Being right, at the top of your lungs, isn’t always right.
Communication, patience, trust, and understanding……are required regularly in heavy doses.
Sometimes the best thing to say is….nothing.
Spousal hugs are important….and should be administered multiple times daily.
Spousal snuggles times are important….and should be regular occurrences.
Laughing with your spouse on a regular basis…is a large part of what makes a marriage keep ticking.
Saying “I love you” never gets old and should be said regularly….everyday…..every conversation….you never know when it will be the last time.
I've missed you. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy that you are coming home today!!
Some days we are like the Little Nutbrown Hare and the Big Nutbrown Hare........
Him: ok, babe I am leaving for the office now.....I love you
he comes over and gives a smooch
Me: I love you too babe...have a great day....kick ass!!!
another smooch
he goes into the other room to get his stuff
5 minutes later he is back
Him: I am really leaving now.....I love you!
Me: I love you too! mu-ah!
smooch
Him: I love you so much....
smooch
Me: I love you too
Him: I gotta go!
he runs out of the room
Me: I know you do....have an awesome day! Remember that I love you tons!!!
Him: I always do
he peeks head back in room
Him: do you know why I always know?
Me: why?
Him: because I always live with the hope that you love me as much as I love you...
he flashes a cheesy smile and blows me a kiss across the room... then runs across the room and
smooches me one last time and then dashes out the door
Are we sickening or what? hahaha!!!! 10 years of marriage, baby!! woohoo!!!!!
