33 posts tagged “humour”
a good chuckle courtesy of my uncle....
The Purina diet
Yesterday I bought 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the Purina dog food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.” You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
*note...this joke is best to be read/told aloud....using a soft southern drawl as it was told to me! :) And the punchline will only make sense if you say it aloud.
A group of southern belles were gathered together for one May afternoon and for a bit of fun, one of the belles (Anna-belle) decided to start up a game with the other ladies.
Anna-belle: Ladies, let's go round in a circle and I want you to tell me....if you had to name your boyfriend after a soda-pop, what would you call him? Lulu-belle you go first.
Lulu-belle: Well, If I had to name my boyfriend after a soda-pop, I believe I would call him........Mountain Dew.
Annabelle: Okay....now Trixie-belle, if you had to name your boyfriend after a soda-pop, what would you call him?
Trixie-belle: Well....I believe I would call him.....7-up.
Annabelle: Now Mary-belle, you tell us......what kind of soda-pop would name your boyfriend after?
Mary-belle: Amaretto
Now Mary-belle was known for bit on the strange side so in all their genteel-ness, the other belles decided to overlook Mary-belle's strange answer that didn't quite make any sense, given the question. They quickly moved on to the next belles in the circle for their answers to Anna-belle's question.
Once all the belles in the circle answered Anna-belle's question, Anna-belle asked another question to the ladies.
Anna-belle: Now ladies, let's go around one more time and this time, why don't you tell us all why you named your boyfriend after the soda-pop you chose. Lulu-belle, why is your boyfriend called Mountain Dew?
Lulu-belle: Well.....he is always mounting and doing me....all the time!
Anna-belle nods, knowingly.
Anna-belle: Okay....Trixie-belle, why is your boyfriend called 7-up?
Trixie-belle: My boyfriend is called 7-up because he is 7 inches straight up!
Anna-belle nods knowingly, again. She then turns to Mary-belle with a confused look on her face.
Anna-belle: Now, Mary-belle, why is your boyfriend called Amaretto? That isn't a soda-pop. Isn't that some kind of fine liquor?
Mary-belle nods, knowingly.
Believe it or not....my co-workers Grandmother told her this!! LOL! :p
I am probably going to hell for laughing at someone else's misfortune......but, this is just toooooo funny. I get tears in my eyes from laughing when I watch this. LOL!
*warning - don't try this at home, folks! Just say no! LOL!
hehe....my favourite is the check box at the bottom left corner (of the note) :p
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Some of you may have already seen this on C.O. but I just had to post it....it's just boggled my mind too much! You have to watch this.
Aren't horses supposed to walk places and be herbivores? .....and I thought people only treated dogs and cats like a human! ha! :) This guy and his horse take the cake...all of it! hahaha! Too wild! :)
(brings new meaning to The Horse Whisperer! LOL! )
